In the not so distant future, as children run down blood strewn halls of another school shooting, once again predictably the suspect will be another white male. The majority of our populous will come to the conclusion that the guns involved were the cause of such destruction. When will we make a paradigm shift in our thinking and realize that the problem is not guns, but a full existential assault on our boys as a result of broken homes?
Today is Father’s Day, and while my child takes a nap, and Jolene rests from working three 12 hours shifts, the only thing I can think about is broken families. Yesterday I was eating at a restaurant by myself with Braeden. Johanna was with her grandparents. Braeden and I had some man to man time. An older man came over and began talking to Braeden. Braeden obliged our cordial conversation with his infectious smile. The man told me happy Father’s Day as he left. I had forgot that Father’s Day was just around the corner. It got me thinking about myself. Am I a good father? What makes a good father and who decides? How do I be a good father, especially if I lacked a good one growing up? Is it possible that the tribulations of humanity extend from the lack of fathers? Stop thinking I tell myself. It only gets me in trouble with the perennial Facebook Nazis who lack the enlightenment.
I was raised by my grandparents. My father was around, however my prime example of a father was really my grandfather. My home as a child was broken. Many homes are far worse than mine, so I can’t complain. Many homes have abusive dads. Many have non-engaged fathers. Many don’t have a father at all. Families are choosing to begin a home without any father. Sperm donors are sufficient for many. Psychologically it is important for children to have a father, even more so for young boys.
Studies have shown that without father involvement the life expectancy of a child can be reduced up to 14%. Effects are 40% greater for a boy than a girl. At the cellular level this is a prime example in our evolution that shows a necessity for fathers especially in terms relating to boys. In terms of phsychological development fathers are necessary for rough-and-tumble play. Children need their fathers to ‘wrestle” with them. Occasionally even letting them win, which also helps with learning the concept of morality. Rough-and-tumble play helps children learn about necessary components of competition. It also helps children to use their extremities and control the parameters of use. They learn a context of rules, as well as the amount of pain that is acceptable and what is not. Boys uniquely will learn a difference between rambunctiousness and aggression. If you starve a boy of rough-and-tumble play from their fathers, they are more likely to experience ADHD.
Schools are ever changing. They leave science at the door so not to upset a child’s feelings. They leave fun outside the confines of their structure for fear of litigation. Natural play is confused as signs of aggression. At Johanna’s school they are not allowed to run. They are not allowed to play with balls. Sports are done at a minimum in exchange for yoga. They don’t learn about old fashion competition. When they do, all children get a participation medal.
At every turn a boy’s masculinity is being suppressed. Competition, running, playing, all valid forms of interaction are limited, which is necessary for masculine growth. Competitive sports are deeply coroportive in their fundamental nature. Feminism is pushed on boys at an early age. Some feminine traits are necessary, but it’s also pushed at the loss of masculinity. Masculinity is necessary. However, many people see masculinity as a sign of the patriarchy. This social construct in the eyes of most should be eliminated. Often masculinity is diagnosed as ADHD. ADHD is treated with Ritalin. In turn drugs like Ritalin cause depression. Depression thus leading to extreme nonsensical actions taking place. It’s an endless cycle that only leads to our demise. If schools can’t offer quality play time experiences, and they lack those interactions at home as well, then they can not develop a proper understanding of how to move through life.
Boys often are overmedicated, and are not often enough told to succeed. Every turn they are not taught to have confidence. There is no concern that men and boys are over three times as likely to attempt suicide. 7 in 10 suicides that occurred in 2016 were white males. There is no real concern that mental health is paramount in regards to school shootings. Nikolas Cruz is a prime example. Boys’ mental health is reflective of their fathers involvement in their lives.
Fathers are more likely to push their children more. Mothers hover by nature and want to protect them and fix their wounds. Fathers will tell a child to get up and walk it off. Many bubble children are not capable of handling bullying. We as a culture try to stop bullying, but we never attempt to help people cope with being bullied. Often those bullied become a bully themselves. Ergo, a child deprived of being masculine, often over medicated, without proper father figures too often go and shoot up schools. Blame the guns “they” say. Why? We don’t have to talk about what is really going on: devaluation of boys, men, and fathers.
I remember as a kid around 3rd grade we were taught that boys mature at a slower rate than girls. Teachers still do it today. If you tell a goose they are a duckling, they will believe it until they see a mirror. If you set children up with the notion that they are and will always be less mature than a girl, you set them up for failure. When in reality there is no quantitative measurement of maturity. It’s just a expression to suppress boys. It makes girls feel better about themselves. Boys are taught that they are the oppressor, their opinions hold no value, and that women are far superior at every role especially at parenting. If a boy grows up with the idea that they can’t be a proper parent, then why even bother? The process becomes cyclical regurgitating more fatherless homes.
Boys are less likely to graduate from college. Doctoral students by far are a majority women. Society now tells boys they are not important and expendable. If society tells them they are not important and boys who lack fathers to tell them they are important, how do we expect them to prosper? How do we expect them to be strong? How do we expect them to work in tandem in a marriage? How do we expect them to remain home, engaged and be a father to their children?
As a child I often went to my dads home for attention. Often he and his girlfriend would be confined to their room to do drugs and God knows what. I resorted to playing video games in the other room. Boys retreat to video games. Video games create a dopamine high. A dopamine high can increase cognitive function, but also lead to addiction. Video games allowed me to be competitive, win, escape, and attempt to be masculine. To this day video games are my outlet, otherwise I’d write more and get into more Facebook arguments. Boys are more likely to play video girls than girls. Why? Their masculinity isn’t suppressed and the virtual environment caters to boys. Unfortunately their is a massive push to make games less masculine to attract more girls. In doing so, another avenue of escape for boys will be taken away from them.
The problem with video games aside from addiction is that the experience is only temporary. It is just an escape. It’s not real life. It’s there for instant gratification. In the real world people who can handle postponed gratification are more likely to be successful. Instant gratification doesn’t lead to longterm success. In reality video games are just a bandaid to an underlying problem for those with mental health issues.
Separately, social media has become another way for instant gratification and an evaluation of self worth. Children are walking around with phones. Constantly checking to see if someone liked their photo. Society has changed personal interactions in the form of a computer. Both girls and boys seek attention in the realm of the internet. We’ve created children seeking outward attention because of the lack of attention they receive at home. Similarly related, has it not occurred that boys who shoot up schools are possibly seeking attention and a way to one up another shooter? Most shooters announce their intentions prior to the massacre. Their names echoed on Twitter and Facebook. No matter how tarnished their name they will be cemented in the books of history.
There are other escapes that boys do that I could also discuss like gangs and rugs, but I digress. All escapes are in part due to the lack of adequate father relationships in the home.
Make fathers great again. How often in songs do we hear mothers called angels. Mothers ought to qualify for sainthood. How often in TV do we see father’s painted like idiots, drinking beer and doing stupid stuff? Bring back the strong fathers who work hard for their families. Promote excellence. Encourage marriage till you find the right partner. Reduce promiscuity. Stop the addiction to drugs and crime. Bring our fathers home and keep them there. Have children when it’s plausible to give them the proper attention they need. Value masculinity and don’t suppress it.
Don’t give phones to children at an early age. Don’t allow them to be on social media until it is necessary, or as long as you can control it. Don’t keep your eyes on your phone, or be confined to separate rooms. Play with your children. Those moments will be what they remember for a lifetime.
Fathers, “wrestle” with your children. Tell them to get up and walk it off when they fall. Let them bleed a little so they experience reality. Cheer for them from the sidelines to do better. Be an example of how to be better. Teach your children morality. Tell them you love them, even if it feels mushy gushy. Watch for warning signs of bullying. Teach them how to defend themselves. Give them avenues to communicate.
Keep politics away from our children until they can understand it. We are indoctrinating our children about class, equity, diversity, inclusiveness, white privilege, and systemic racism. At the youngest of age we are teaching our boys and especially young white boys that they are the ones to blame for all oppression. Then we wonder why in a feat of rage they shoot up a school. Stop it!
If we do these things, school shooting rates will drop in an instant. Mark my words. If you don’t, the problem will continue to get worse as fatherless homes increase. So on this Father’s Day, lets celebrate dads for their contributions. Happy Father’s Day dads.
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