My daughter is around me nearly every waking second. Our conversations are just like any other 5 year old conversation would be. Why is that hot? Why does the tree grow that way? Why is there a ball in our backyard? My personal favorite, why do you shut the door when you go to the bathroom? Being a Stay-at-Home Dad can be very lonely even with little feet walking around and asking the dreaded why questions. My daily routine consists of feeding, playing, feeding, playing, feeding, playing and sleep. My only real social environment is my daughter. When my wife is around Johanna wants to consume every second she can with her. My socialization with my wife begins after Johanna goes to bed. Since she works the night shift, her sleep schedule is off kilter which results in her being tired all the time. There are many other SAHD with a lifestyle similar to mine.
Since my side of the family has no interest in my life I don’t have much of a relationship with them. Once it a while we visit with my wife’s parents and family. However, common interests with them only goes so far. Trying to find people with similar interests in a liberal state like California can be very difficult. Even more so if you have conservative values. I also don’t drink. So I can’t hang out with someone over a cold beer without them judging me or assuming I am judging them. My realm of social options gets dwindled more and more.
Being a SAHD is unique in many ways. There are a lot of stay at home moms out there. There are a lot of mom cliques but they are not inclusive to men because we have twig and berries. Even in a society that expanded it’s ideas of parenting so much, it’s still not inclusive to dads. I guess I’m a threat to other moms’ husbands. I get it, however that’s part of what makes it so lonely. Also, I don’t know how many times I get looked at strangely while at our local park. A couple times I’ve been asked if I have a child at the park. It’s one of those questions I don’t want to answer, because there are only two possible answers. Either I do, or I don’t. If I say yes, then I’m just a good father and I shouldn’t have to acknowledge that. If I say I don’t, then I’m a petophile. The question itself already expresses that there is doubt in the reason for my presence at the park. How often are mothers asked, do you have a child here? There is generally already an assumption that indeed a mother has a child there without ill preconceived ideas.
The social net for stay at home dads is very small. More and more fathers stay at home, and yet most remain in isolation for fear of rejection from society. There are some SAHD clubs in larger cities that help fathers socialize. However, in my area there isn’t any that I’m aware of. In reality the only socialization I get is from playing video games. Yes, I’m a 33 year old who still plays video games. It’s been my only avenue of socialization outside my home and yet it’s still in my home. Thanks Wi-Fi. I can vent with strangers that I don’t know in person. It allows me to separate from life events that might be stressing me. I can learn about people who I probably would never hang out in person. Most nights I hang out with a New Zealander (Kiwi) and a black guy from Detroit. Often I play with an asian Canadian who use to call himself albino, an asian from Chicago, and an Arabic guy from the Kingdom. I mention race, because my social environment in video games is far more diverse than it ever would be in person. Society seems to be going backwards and trying to segregate ourselves more in more and more by labeling people by groups. Gaming breaks down that barrier. Until l find another avenue socialization, gaming works. Although, I wish it wasn’t my only avenue.
It doesn’t help that my wife works at night. I call it the graveyard shift. That means I have to crawl in bed with no one there beside me. At times that can be great because I don’t have anyone pulling the sheets off me multiple times a night. However, it’s also not fun to not have the person next to you who is suppose to be there. Often I wake up worrying that something is wrong because she is not home at her general time, even though there is nothing really to worry about. As a parent who doesn’t get much sleep, waking up multiple times worrying makes it even worse. These are my avenues of isolation. I know other dad’s have theirs as well. I’ve only touched the tip of the iceberg.
Speak out. The more and more of us that speak out, the more people we will have to connect with. I know there are networks out there to connect dads to like minded dads, but often even they fall short. The more and more fathers speak out, the more other dads will listen and more will come out of their isolation.
The last couple years I’ve been amazed on the lack of television and other avenues who don’t mention fathers. Every network only appear support mothers. Disney channel only ever discuss parenting in regards to mothers. It was a saving grace that a few weeks ago I came across a commercial on the Sprout Network. A father appeared with a newborn and his numerous bottles. He was getting a hang of the father routine. There should be more of this type of advertisement. It’s an affirmation that fathers can indeed do a proper job at parenting. It’s also an expression of society accepting this new trend. Hopefully it will help fathers to not feel lonely as well.
I know my Daddy’s Turn website is very young. Hopefully though it will be an avenue to connect readers to each other. I hope it will help future fathers to make healthy decisions. I hope people will comment and promote further discussion in father parenting. I hope to emphasize the importance of fathers in a child’s life. I hope to bring fathers out of isolation. So pass me on to other stay at home dads. I’d appreciate it. Yes, being a Stay-at-Home Dad can be very lonely. Hopefully though there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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